Pulled apart

I wish I were able to be in 2 places at once. I feel the need to take care of my Mom, yet I want to be home, with my family as well. We are preparing for the long battle ahead. Helping Mom to get things in order for her comfort while she goes through the chemotherapy treatments. And discuss the "what ifs" with her. I have set up in home nursing care for the time I can't be with her.
She seems ready for this. We know that we have to do it. And I know I have to be strong and help get her through it. And I also feel the pull to spend time with my family. I miss them already. I am Blessed to have a husband that supports me and keeps me positive.
I have to keep telling myself that God will take care of us. I know He will.
No clay for now. Only family. And Prayer. Lots of Prayer

I'm Not Alone

The cancer is back. Surgery isn't an option. She will start Chemotherapy soon. She is staying positive, even as she faces more pain. That's what Mom's do I guess. And some daughters fall apart, thinking of how strange it will be, not to have that unconditional love just a phone call away.

As I am sharing my pain with family and friends, I am realizing that I am not alone in this. I am surrounded by people that have suffered devastating loss in their lives as well. Some have gone through Cancer with loved ones, others have lost someone to sudden tragedy's. And so many people that I don't even know are dealing with the loss of a child. Loss is part of Life. And I need to remember this, and remind myself of this. Even though it will be hard when it happens, I will get through it as all of the others have. One day at a time. I will spend as much time with her as I can. I will have heart to heart talks with her. I will laugh with her and try not to cry in front of her. I will try to get a lifetimes worth of advice from her. I will do whatever she needs me to do to make her comfortable during the long 16 weeks of Chemo. And I will pray every moment that God will bless her and take away as much pain from her as possible. And I will thank God for all the wonderful years he has given me with her. And I will remember that I am not alone.

Waiting

Waiting is so hard for me. Waiting for anything makes me feel out of control. Especially when it involves my family. My Moms Cancer is back. They found out that the bruising on her face(her cheek) is another tumor. They did another C Scan on Friday. This time of her whole body above her knees. They are worried it has spread. We find out tomorrow what the C Scan shows. I am going crazy waiting, yet I don't want to know the results either. I don't know how much more she can handle. And the thought of losing her frightens me. I am trying to use my Clay as therapy today. And to think about all the wonderful things in my life. And try to stay positive. And Pray.
For Her. For strength. For a miracle.

Contest Ideas?

Hi!
I am about to kick of some contests for my website! I want your ideas! Post them here or send your thoughts to my e-mail. marla@marlasmud.com Thanks in Advance! :-)

Reality check

My Mom has Cancer. Angeosarcoma. She has had 2 tumors removed. She has been through 40 radiation treatments. She has lost weight. She wasn't a big person to begin with. She is weak and tired. The tumors were on both sides of her neck. They removed all the lymphnodes on both sides as well. So she no longer is able to produce saliva in her mouth. She has to spray her mouth frequently to keep it wet. She coughs a lot. Her face is puffy and bruised looking. Yet she can giggle and smile and share and advise me. She is and has always been my rock. She will be 80 this year and I cherish every moment I have with her. From the day I decided to try to make a living making pottery and jewelry, she has been there, cheering me on. And now I am trying to be there for her. And cheer her on, in the fight against this cancer that has invaded her body. I don't want to think of losing her, but, it is a reality. For now, though, I am going to be the strong daughter that she has made, and giggle with her, share stories with her and just be there for her, like she has always been for me. This is the least I can do. I wish I could do more.
My reality check is that I can't fix everything in my life. A lot of things are beyond my control. And that I need to take life one minute at a time.