Remember that song by Bananarama in the 80's? Some of the words in the song stick in my head today.
"It's a cruel, cruel summer........ leaving me here all alone....." That is how I am feeling. It was a long, cruel summer, and at the end of it, I was left here, with out my dear Mom.
She passed away on July 28th. She struggled so hard with the Cancer. She claimed that she was never in physical pain, but I know that the mental pain must have been horrible. She struggled with the thought of leaving this life, and if God would allow her into his Heavenly kingdom. She struggled with knowing that it was most likely, that her children would split apart from each other. Never having "really" gotten along very well even while she was alive. And she worried about her beloved, Doug. Where would he go, what would he do.
I cannot fathom her anguish. I could only sit with her and try to get her mind on other things. Cheerful things. Even though my heart was breaking, knowing that she would be leaving me soon. No more e-mails, no more Sunday morning phone calls, no more teasing in the winter about how wonderful the weather is in Florida while I am freezing in Michigan, no more "I love you Sweetheart." And no more hugs.
So many wonderful times with Mom. I can't even begin to mention them all. She was my Rock and my best friend. It is hard to imagine my life now, without her. Sometimes I want to just run away and hide. SO much to try to handle with family that can't agree, and in the mean time, trying to grieve. Trying to understand why she is gone. Trying to make sense of it all.
Other times I find myself chatting with her out loud. And giggling about things we did together, and things she told, only me. She shared many things with me, her only daughter. That I can never tell anyone. Sad things, happy things. Just things that she wanted me to know, but no one else. Besides, no one would believe me. I am just the "little sister." Even though I am 46. lol
So it was a cruel summer. Now it is time for me to pick up the pieces of my own life and family, and see if I can make it wonderful again.
2 comments:
Dear Marla,
Your pain is still so fresh from your Mom not being here anymore. I know what you're going through because I had the same pain when my Mom passed away in 2000. Only time will heal that pain and nothing will fill that void, but the memories shared, the times spent together and her legacy in everything she taught you will make it be a better ride from now on and that void will seem to fade someday. Give yourself time, and take every chance to cry for her and within that cry a smile will come out when you think of her, because she left so much for you to be happy about, so much for you to have a good life and a good laugh.
Our mother's presence may be gone, but their spirit lives within us.
Love and hugs to you.
Yolanda
I am so sorry for your loss, Marla.
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